On Earth VII, the Bad Earth, a teen who looks exactly like Link from the hit video-game series Legend of Zelda is wandering down the street having MASSIVE NEUROLOGICAL PROBLEMS.
He walks to his friend’s house through the suburbs at night and nothing is happening and everything is extremely quiet everywhere.
His friends ignore him and play halo on xbox with the shitty console aiming. When he asks to play they make fun of him and call him an idiot with their eyes, like snail stalks pendulous with thanatoidal energy. He walks home. On the way back he gets hit by a drunk Chad and the car blows his guts open across the road. His spirit spins 360 degrees and he teleports to the true reality, the world of Legend of Zelda.
*
He enters Link’s body in the deathworld timeline where 99% of life has been wiped out and Hyrule Field is a barren wasteland and Death Mountain is spiraling into the sky in a maelstrom of rocks and fire.
Link is currently surrounded by corrupted fishwomen. He is hitting them really hard with his sword. But his strength leaves his body at the moment he needs to defend himself, as his mind is filled with the presence of a fucking dumbass eugenics-core loser.
The fishwomen chain Link up in one of those holes in Hyrule Field. They whip him brutally because the evil part of their brains is swollen with corruption. Normally the evil part of a fish’s brain is basically the size of a dot.
They pour Lon Lon Milk on Link’s bleeding chest. It restores 5 hearts. But Link still has 6 empty hearts, so Link is in a lot of pain. They keep him alive with the Milk.
*
They show Link a mask. It looks like Princess Zelda. Link starts crying because he knows what it means. They had to kill Princess Zelda to make it.
They put it on Link’s face. It feels like a sticky pancake. Link writhes, muscles contorted, bones crackling, mouth stretching into an inhumanely wide Junji Ito scream.
*
Link claws at her skin, trying to tear off the face of her dead girlfriend.
*
The fishwomen ride Zelda’s cock. The ichthyoidal folds of their byzantine cloacae are formed of dense, pseudocrystalline interlocking formations of scaleflesh, mechanically squeezing the cum from her human cock, which can barely survive their polygonal megacunts designed for rigorous intercourse with another species. Zelda throws up, bile-milk running down the sides of her face. Scaly hands squeeze her tits through the torn ruin of the royal dress. Symbols of state heralding back thousands of years are stained with fishwoman drool, which is blue and gives +1 to magic.
They leave her in the corner in a heap of herself. The cow moos.
*
She wakes up and they’re gone. Probably rehydrating in one of the few pockets of water left in the Hyrulean wasteland. She needs to move before they get back. She crawls over to the beam of light shining into the hole. It’s warm on her hands, shows her the damage of her desperate nails. The light phases her body back to the surface. She wishes she could stay in that radiant interval forever.
*
She fingers the holes of her ocarina, trying to remember the songs. But even the childish, simple melodies won’t return to her.
*
Fishwomen chase Zelda through the swamp on the back of a Peahat, plant blades whipping overhead like a helicopter. Big-ass mosquitos fuck her pores, sucking fractions of fractions of Hearts from her body.
*
Zelda drives the sword through the fishwoman’s chest. Her breath smells like the sea, and a shitload of blood. She grabs Zelda’s hair and they roll into the river. The fishwoman’s blood clouds the water, Zelda can’t see which way is up, she hears drowning music.
*
SONIC: They say life comes at you fast. But I CUM on you fast. *Sonic laughs like a hyena*
TAMMY THE TURTLE: Why are you so tasteless Sonic
*
Zelda has brain damage from almost drowning. Insert your favorite character here if you still don’t know what a Zelda is.
*
Zelda renders the fishwoman down into 20x cubes of Meat. (+1 Heart, +2 Hearts if you cook it). The only mode that can render this heartless act remotely bearable is sashimi.
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1x pale green polygonal grass like the scrape of lacquered paper across your cheek
2x pale green polygonal grass like the scrape of lacquered paper across your cheek
3x pale green polygonal grass like the scrape of lacquered paper across your cheek
4x pale green polygonal grass like the scrape of lacquered paper across your cheek
5x pale green polygonal grass like the scrape of lacquered paper across your cheek
6x pale green polygonal grass like the scrape of lacquered paper across your cheek
7x pale green polygonal grass like the scrape of lacquered paper across your cheek
8x pale green polygonal grass like the scrape of lacquered paper across your cheek
9x pale green polygonal grass like the scrape of lacquered paper across your cheek
10x pale green polygonal grass like the scrape of lacquered paper across your cheek
11x pale green polygonal grass like the scrape of lacquered paper across your cheek
12x pale green polygonal grass like the scrape of lacquered paper across your cheek
13x pale green polygonal grass like the scrape of lacquered paper across your cheek
14x pale green polygonal grass like the scrape of lacquered paper across your cheek
15x pale green polygonal grass like the scrape of lacquered paper across your cheek
16x pale green polygonal grass like the scrape of lacquered paper across your cheek
17x pale green polygonal grass like the scrape of lacquered paper across your cheek
18x pale green polygonal grass like the scrape of lacquered paper across your cheek
19x pale green polygonal grass like the scrape of lacquered paper across your cheek
20x pale green polygonal grass like the scrape of lacquered paper across your cheek
*
I still haven’t played breath of the wild!! Yield it up to me!! I hated twilight princess etc. but I tried BoTW for like 15 minutes and climbing like shadow of colossus felt good and I guess I have this fantasy of like, sitting around a console with friends on some couch, the spiritual equivalent of a wide-screen tv, but most of my friends are scattered across the world like the children of Babel and we have to haul blood to see each other because we belong to a demographic that has its pool of social connections cut to like 0.01% of a normal person because our skeletal structure differs from the norm by a fraction so tiny you need thousands of years of genocide (hard) and genocide (soft) to convince people that fraction means anything, so it's frankly unrealistic for me to invest in a console, and I don’t even want a Switch, I just want to play BotW for 10 to 15 hours as one does in her dotage. Anyways Legend of Zelda is back in a thrilling reboot of an age-old franchise.
*
It’s so nice to drink Milk at the Milk Bar!
That’s the problem with the Bad Earth. No Milk. Just milk.
*
A Sonic the Hedgehog hangs from a cage. Malon the Rancher Girl electrocutes it with some kind of electricity enemy that probably exists in the Zelda universe (edit: pick your poison). Rings ejaculate from Sonic’s ringhole, an asexual genitalia that exists only on Planet Mobius, used purely for commerce.
Malon smashes the rings into dust. Zelda. Listen to me. If you inhale this dust, you will go incredibly fast. Just remember not to snort too much or the skin will strip from your bones. Only someone truly in love would commit such a foolish act.
*
What does this sword mean, Zelda wonders. I guess it’s something for my hands to do.
*
I love the Deku Stick. It is a child’s weapon. In its fragility it is more interesting than any of the swords Link acquires. You can set it on fire, burning your weapon to fight the dark. It connects you to the world through its cost. It actually prefigures what Breath of the Wild was praised for doing: It decays, it conducts the elements.
When you fight evil, your shit should break. You are the one who hurts. Humans are frail, evil is elemental. Evil generates endless shadow copies of itself, fissions into smaller parts, or possesses the bodies of the innocent to do its bidding, animating the dead and corrupting local wildlife. It makes people crazy so everyone confuses sick people for what gave them the disease. Evil doesn’t have to hurt for what it does.
*
Zelda has a traumatic flashback from drinking Milk.
*
There is a shop where someone buys ghosts. These ghosts are called Poes, which is good. You bottle and sell them, trafficking in the spirits of the hateful dead for currency.
Is this real? Am I making shit up? With fan fiction there is the feeling of being at once totally inscrutable and completely assimilated.
*
Zelda touches the soft, smooth polygons of rubble carpeting the earth. Only being possessed by the spirit of a lost soul from the Bad Earth, with a brain that feels every particle of matter in excruciating detail, could allow her to appreciate the janky ’90s-era 3-D that forms her entire reality. Thank you for this seed of suffering, she thinks, so carefully nurtured in the dark chrysalis of the multiverse.
*
KIRBY: I don’t feel I can be entertained on a regular basis. The only thing that is regular to me is medicine, whatever that may be. Entertainment itself is not possible to reliably manufacture. There are occasional plumes of life from the pit.
PRINCESS PEACH: The powers of the world are invested in destroying time like subsidized corn burning in a field.
MARIO: The great project of this century is eternity.
*
A game where Link just gets Sticks of increasingly lustrous and rare wood and they are Fun and Cute and make ASMR-y snapping sounds when they break.
*
ZELDA: I just have one thing to say to you, Ganon.
GANON (sneering): What’s that.
ZELDA: John 3:16
GANON: What foul spell is this . . .
ZELDA (reading from the Bible): For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
GANON: Holy shit.
(Ganon cries.)
GANON: What have I done.
ZELDA: If you are washed in the blood of the lamb, you will be made pure as snow.
GANON: But Zelda, I have killed thousands. I have burnt down buildings. I have betrayed all allegiances in the pursuit of power. How can those sins be redeemed?
(Zelda and Ganon pray.)
*
A child needs a stick of her own, and a monster to eat her parents.
*
Zelda climbs the vines, so flat against the wall like decals, or a kindergarten decoration of paper ribbons. All the treasure chests are empty, but maybe it’s for the best, most of them contained stupid shit like Compasses, Maps, boring utilitarian things like socks for Christmas.
The Forest Temple has a calming draw distance. Zelda is happy not to be the focal point of arbitrary violence, but still a bit lonely. Not even the Moblins or Poes or Wallmasters are here to offer their bestial company. Calcified hands cling to the ceiling like bug shells, deprived of their diet of "lifting people"(?).
Zelda takes so many perfect naps and nothing bad happens ever.