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Fix yellow, crooked, softening teeth (Invisalign, ACT mouthwash, Colgate Optic White)
Cover gray hair (Nice & Easy, Clairol Age Defy)
Find appropriate food for pet with food sensitivities (Fresh Pet, Blue Basics)
Find a date (Christian Mingle)
Lubricate (Osphema; see above)
Cheer on patricide (Lizzie Borden movie with Christina Ricci)
Find insurance, preferably from talking and/or oversized baby (State Farm, Nationwide)
Make homemade bread but not really (Fleischmann's Simply Homemade Bread Mix)
Take on vaginal fungus and win (Monistat)
Root for the underdog ("Gimme Shelter" with Vanessa Hudgens as "a revelation"; see also Gabby Douglas Lifetime movie)
Go to the Bahamas (Atlantis resort)
Get a damn coat (Burlington)
Eat fried chicken and/or creatively packaged tuna (KFC, Sunkist Tuna Creations)
Be appropriately compensated for injury sustained in truck accident (Cellino & Barnes, 800-888-888, Call8.com)
Call Cellino & Barnes on new phone (T-Mobile)
Get rid of this damn migraine/remind self of anti-aging possibilities (Botox)
"Do" taxes (H&R Block) Become pain-free (Xeljanz, Cortizone, Move Free, ThermaCare, Advil, Rolaids, Robitussin, both of the ’Quils, Selsun Blue, Chapstick, Airborne, Gold Bond)
Menstruate (Always Infinity Flex Foam)
Purchase sturdier shoes (Skechers Slip-Resistant Shoes)
Consume anything at Dunkin’ Donuts except donuts (DD iced tea, coffee, breakfast sandwich)
No, wait, have breakfast sandwich at home (Jimmy Dean)
Switch to bank that cares about my ideas (Santander)
Watch more Lifetime Television, preferably using Time Warner (too many to list)
Learn; drink more water (Capella University, Pur water filtration)
Take out the trash (Hefty Ultimate)
Buy batteries for vibrator (Energizer; implied)
Meryl! ("August: Osage County")