A Compleat To-Do List for the 34-to-56-Year-Old American Woman, as Determined by Ad Placement on Lifetime Television’s Premiere of “Flowers in the Attic”

  • Fix yellow, crooked, softening teeth (Invisalign, ACT mouthwash, Colgate Optic White)
  • Cover gray hair (Nice & Easy, Clairol Age Defy)
  • Find appropriate food for pet with food sensitivities (Fresh Pet, Blue Basics)
  • Find a date (Christian Mingle)
  • Lubricate (Osphema; see above)
  • Cheer on patricide (Lizzie Borden movie with Christina Ricci)
  • Find insurance, preferably from talking and/or oversized baby (State Farm, Nationwide)
  • Make homemade bread but not really (Fleischmann’s Simply Homemade Bread Mix)
  • Take on vaginal fungus and win (Monistat)
  • Root for the underdog (“Gimme Shelter” with Vanessa Hudgens as “a revelation”; see also Gabby Douglas Lifetime movie)
  • Go to the Bahamas (Atlantis resort)
  • Get a damn coat (Burlington)
  • Eat fried chicken and/or creatively packaged tuna (KFC, Sunkist Tuna Creations)
  • Be appropriately compensated for injury sustained in truck accident (Cellino & Barnes, 800-888-888, Call8.com)
  • Call Cellino & Barnes on new phone (T-Mobile)
  • Get rid of this damn migraine/remind self of anti-aging possibilities (Botox)
  • “Do” taxes (H&R Block) Become pain-free (Xeljanz, Cortizone, Move Free, ThermaCare, Advil, Rolaids, Robitussin, both of the ’Quils, Selsun Blue, Chapstick, Airborne, Gold Bond)
  • Menstruate (Always Infinity Flex Foam)
  • Purchase sturdier shoes (Skechers Slip-Resistant Shoes)
  • Consume anything at Dunkin’ Donuts except donuts (DD iced tea, coffee, breakfast sandwich)
  • No, wait, have breakfast sandwich at home (Jimmy Dean)
  • Switch to bank that cares about my ideas (Santander)
  • Watch more Lifetime Television, preferably using Time Warner (too many to list)
  • Learn; drink more water (Capella University, Pur water filtration)
  • Take out the trash (Hefty Ultimate)
  • Buy batteries for vibrator (Energizer; implied)
  • Meryl! (“August: Osage County”)