Dear Marooned Alien Princess,
I find it hard to not give some credence to evolutionary psychology’s assertion that patriarchy is hardwired in humans. While feminism has merits, patriarchy is still most of what I’ve seen. Is resisting just a pointless struggle?
I understand your confusion, given that’s the lie most of us are fed. But no. NOAP. Ask these brilliant scientists for any proof of cavemen beating women over the head and raping them and you’ll get crickets. You know who makes up shit like that? The kind of people who colonize lands and rape masses of people they’re subjugating like it’s their job and then go to school to learn science. Or as I like to call it, bullshit excuses from violent imperial fucks. “See? We can’t even help it. It’s in our DNA.” Cue the references to the white liberal fave Guns, Germs and Steel where they tell you colonization is totes bad but so necessary and INEVITABLE, while I hold back the bile in my colonized throat.
Gee, I wonder how so many cultures have never been rapist colonizers. Do we possess fuckin’ alien DNA? (I mean I do come from “documented” aliens, but that’s a whole ‘nother tangent.) Or are these white male-centered ideas of human history full of fuckin’ feces?
Getting to your aforementioned area of biased fuckery we call “evolutionary” theorizing and speculation, it’s worth noting history doesn’t even support that faux science. White male scientists apparently haven’t heard how in ancient Greece and Rome, men were considered “naturally” fit to lead because they were chaste, unlike the era’s promiscuous women. They managed to be patriarchal slutshaming dipshits anyway, but using logic that today would leave Dominique Strauss-Kahn’s pervy ass labeled “unfit to lead” and “naturally prudish” women at the helm of power. Note the recurring theme is men vying for power, not being “programmed to spread their seed while women nest.”
And let’s go further: Wherever you look in human history, what we now call queer, trans, agender, gender fluid, two-spirit people, etc, existed and blew holes through all that cis hetero patriarchal BS about men and women only being here to reproduce and couple off in cis hetero ways.
For more proof, look at Quisqueya (now Hispaniola) in 1492, where my Taino ancestors practiced polyandry (women with multiple husbands) and women were leaders. Anacaona was a lady chief on my island, as well as a celebrated songwriter and poet. Today there are still polyandrous and matriarchal and matrilineal indigenous communities in the Americas. There are still indigenous matriarchal communities in Africa. If patriarchy is “nature,” does that mean all these people were and are outside of nature? Or is nature now defined by white male fantasies in neocolonial society?
White men scream “survival of the fittest,” while indigenous communities like Native Hawaiians see accommodating and caring for disabled people as intrinsic to existing. And are soft ass suburban kids who never struggled really the “fittest”? LMFAO.
As you can see, you’ve been misled about patriarchy. Please do get back to the drawing board.
I’m very self-conscious about my body, especially during sex or anytime my boyfriend has to see me naked. He has made negative comments about my body, so now every time I see him like some supermodel’s photo on Instagram, I feel even more self-conscious. While I haven’t told him so as to not start “drama” or be called jealous, it’s affecting our relationship. He wants me to let loose during sex, but I can’t stop worrying about how I look and how far I am from the models whose photos he likes. Should I just keep mum and deal? After all, it’s not his fault if my self-esteem isn’t great.
First, let me send you love, because it’s rare for women in a society like ours to not feel like you do sometimes (or all the time). We are bombarded with photoshopped mannequin-like images of cis hetero white thin beauty everywhere we look and pressured by most people around us to meet those unrealistic imperialist standards. And if you’re a Black femme, you will be pressured to look like a nonblack woman of color too, on top of white standards.
Average human things like pores, blemishes, cellulite, and pockmarks are pretty much taboo to have, even if we all have them. And men are usually the ones pushing these standards while conveniently being exempt. How else would we have so many shows like The Simpsons, Family Guy, Married with Children, where the wife looks like Barbie but the husband can look however he wants and still have it all?
Which brings me to the part where your boyfriend’s made unfavorable comments about your body. He gets all the side eyes from the most fiery pits of hell from me. And he probably coulda used a smack upside the head too. Frankly, how fucking dare he? That is not ok. It makes me sad that so many of us have grown up thinking comments like that are acceptable and that we somehow deserve them.
Your boyfriend should be making you feel good about yourself, not picking at your physical traits. He should be happy with you as you are and minding your feelings and comfort. He absolutely doesn’t get to expect you to be unabashed in bed when he has contributed to making you feel bad. I learned later in life that people who don’t love my body truly have no business seeking physical intimacy with me. Even platonic friends and family who speak of your looks unfavorably need to get the fuck out.
I have no idea what you look like and it doesn’t matter. You’re fucking perfect, and your boyfriend needs to get with the program. You shouldn’t have to teach him to not be mean to you, and I understand if you don’t want to bring it up. Men can get defensive and hurtful as fuck any time you even hint at accountability. We tiptoe so much to avoid upsetting them but clearly they upset us with no qualms.
You could tell him that you can’t be comfortable in physical intimacy with him if he makes you feel bad and doesn’t praise you like the goddess you are. Or it’s possible this guy’s a jerk who’s not for you coz you deserve better. If he’s decent, he will understand and fix up. If not? You may have to cut your losses and dump his ass.
He’s not responsible for your self-esteem but he’s responsible for trashing it. And as for how you feel when he likes models’ photos on Instagram, it’s understandable given his behavior and our society, but you may feel better about it once he gets right.
It’s not you. It’s him. Good luck.