In an exclusive letter to The New Inquiry, Academy Award winning actress Susan Surandon pledges to fund the revolution she longed for
Let’s begin by giving credit where credit’s due: to us. We did it! With a Trump victory, we managed to scramble up from under the paralyzing weight of Democratic Party complacency, and now, as I wisely opined months ago, the revolution can really kick off. Let the streets run red with the blood of our enemies who, of course, are much better armed than us, and now have the backing of the most powerful military in the world. I predict, however, that after a few months and a few hundred thousand dead, we’ll get our bearings and be well on our way to smashing American fascism for good.
As demonstrated by my keen foresight, my mind and the skull that holds it are too precious to risk battle. I’m not ready to die. Instead, I have designated myself Oracle of our burgeoning army. I will be the keeper of the resistance’s future; comrades, I alone can see the horizon of victory and beyond. With me not by your side, you can be sure that your cadaver-in-waiting will be flung wherever it will best serve the aims of the Supreme Military Council for a Free America, an organization I started in partnership with Orpah and the Baldwin brothers.
The critics can say what they want about Susan Surandon, but here’s one thing they can’t deny: She puts her money where her fuckin’ mouth is. With a long and illustrious career in Hollywood that has included such critically acclaimed films as Alfie, Lorenzo’s Oil, and Zoolander 2, I have amassed a multimillion dollar fortune that I fully intend to put toward the revolution. Yes: I am officially committing every penny to toppling this regime and the corrupt institutions that put it there. I have also altered my will to reflect this change of heart, to the chagrin of my children, and I am opening up my home in Pacific Palisades to any troops in need of a home base.
¡Hasta la victoria siempre!
Yours in arms,